Beyond The TARDIS Doghouse by DJ Forrest

Written by Dan Schaffer

Released 12 June 2009

Directed by Jake West

Produced by Michael Loveday &

Terry Stone

Available on Netflix

Vince – Stephen Graham

Neil – Danny Dyer

Mikey – Noel Clarke

Graham – Emil Marwa

Matt – Lee Ingleby

Patrick – Keith-Lee Castle

Banksy – Neil Maskell

Candy – Christina Cole

Vince is going through a divorce, so the lads decide to take him for a boozy weekend to the middle of nowhere to get absolutely slaughtered!!!

It’s a lad’s film definitely and there are women, tons of them in fact and they all want the boys, except not in the way you’d think. 

The film tells the story of Vince and his mates who decide to hire a mini bus driven by Ruth ‘Candy’ played by Christina Cole, to take them into the English countryside to a place called Moodley, a village where women outnumber the blokes 4 to 1for a weekender they’ll never forget.  When they arrive in Moodley ‘Candy’ stays on the bus and puts drops in her eyes while the lads go and explore.  She tells them she’ll stay for half an hour then she’s going.

The village looks deserted but there’s evidence around that something sinister is going on.  The lads split up, Neil goes to the pub, visits the gents and hears someone really struggling to get something out, in the cubicle beside him, he quickly leaves and goes to the bar but there are no barmen, as that poor sod lies dead beside the pumps, unbeknown to Neil. 

Mikey goes to his nans, locates the key finally, under a gnome, on the way to the back garden, and stares at the bloodstained handprint on the garden fence.  Venturing further in he spies a woman in her wedding dress, tucking into the intestines of a dead bloke on her lawn. 

When the lads decide to make it back to the mini bus they’re stopped in their tracks by a young woman in a black hoodie who has jerky movements as she walks.  Unaware of the situation, the lads see a man in a military uniform lunge himself at the hooded woman and begin punching her.  They lunge at the man and pull him away from the girl and beat seven bells out of him.  The girl pulls the knife from the soldier and attacks Neil.  The lads then realise that the girl isn’t like other girls and make their way back to the minibus but dear old ‘Candy’ is now in the same condition as the woman in the wedding dress, and the hooded teenager.  The lads scatter into various shops and hide out while trying to think what they can do next. 

Eventually the boys all make it back into the village bar Patrick who climbs the billboard while being chased by a mad woman with an axe, who also tries to chop his leg off with the sharp implement.  But Patrick unperturbed manages to help his fellow man in their hour of need by driving home a few golf balls into the lustful women who are all armed with something dangerous. 

Yes I think you’ve guessed it, this is another zombie style cannibalistic film.  It’s funny, has a lot of ewww moments, actually quite a few ewww moments but it’s not terrifying in the sense that you’re going to have to spend most of the film behind a large cushion and you most definitely won’t have nightmares.  Least I didn’t!

Neil played by Danny Dyer does a lot of swearing, no change there, Mikey played by Noel Clarke, spends half the film in a different costume but he carries it off well.  It’s worth a viewing, and it’s got a storyline which makes a fair bit of sense to the animalistic aggression by the women involved in the film. 

Mikey reminds me a lot of Mickey, as in Mickey Smith from Doctor Who.  Acts tough around his mates but on his own is just like the rest of us and would rather be somewhere else, where women weren’t trying to make mincemeat out of him.  If you love British made films, then you’re going to enjoy this immensely.  I was probably laughing a lot more than I should have been, but then I love the British humour in the face of adversity. 

Research source

©Doghouse 2009